Friendships...

Friendships...today, I've had really weird encounters...one was a pleasant surprise...kinda kept in touch with a long lost friend back from the days of my college, we used to have what I would call a co-dependent relationship, and it was great after so long of not keeping in touch at all, we could share our thoughts, our visions, everything...I felt that warm feeling rushing over me, that feeling of closeness and gratitude for having built that friendship. Then, later of the day, I talked to another LOONNNGGER lost friend from the days of my secondary school, we used to be really really close when we were 14/15, but then we grew apart after, never knew why, I just thought well, we drifted apart? However, the irony being that, after 5 years of graduating from secondary school I've been enlightened! She told me things she didn't like me about, how I used to tell her what others talked about her (I honestly did that out of only good intentions thinking as close friends I should not keep anything I know to myself esp. if it involves her) and also blamed me for well influencing her into disliking this friend who is currently her good friend. I often wonder, was I really that bad? Is it me? Nevertheless, I have and am done with looking back and feeling bad for all these because as I sit down and think, hey I have great friends around, they may not be physically here for me, in fact they are those who are furthest away from me but closest and dearest to my heart, and yes I am ever so grateful for them and that in itself is more than enough, that in itself is a blessing. I've realised that as we grow older, as we hopefully grow wiser, friendships and relationships grow more complicated, more fake, more political and that sucks...that's what they call the growing pains, however despite all these, it's good to know that having that few true friends who would be there to support me and catch me when I fall is good enough for me.

Decisions...?

Sometimes I wonder, what constitutes a right decision? What about a wrong one? Its short-term consequences? Long-term consequences? By our mere subjective feelings? What others would perceive - so if they THINK/SAY it's right, was it right? Face it, we DO make many decisions based on what we think people, or the majority of people around us would approve of, and that approval actually determine how we feel about our decision. However, being human, I just can't help but always turn back and ponder about the junction at which I stood, wondering which road to take...decisions, decisions, decisions...and of course inevitably wonder about the Road Not Taken, how would that journey have been like? Would I be any different? Have I chosen correctly? Did I realise that decision would have such a great impact on myself? Would it have made a difference then?
Many of us are cornered to make decisions all the time, important ones, unimportant ones, ones we stubbornly stand up for...however all decisions on relationships aside i.e. decision to be or to break off with someone (which is REALLY REALLY subjective and complex for it plays with emotions, feelings and the whole Mars & Venus thing) but what about life-changing decisions? Worse still, life-changing decisions where at the point where it was made, I didn't know they would be so life-changing?! Well, off the top of my mind, I could easily name 2 prominent ones - first, taking up the scholarship, secondly, going through a colectomy. First decision - yep, that was what I've been aiming for all through secondary school - I guess it's the whole prestige and getting a scholarship, the pride and all that has to do with it and obviously the support to get into a good Med School which at that point, yes I knew it would be a difficult task for my dad to support me through Med School. So, well, inevitably, the wise decision, undoubted decision, widely approved by majority (by this I mean if I hadn't made this decision, I would have been tagged 'the one who was given an opportunity but refused it so she cant bitch about anything int he future), obviously I jumped at the opportunity, gave up what I was doing in the college, gave up my initial intention of going to IMU. Then, I left, to a whole new world, a different world where everyone's the 'chosen' one, everyone's the best, everyone's somebody, the reality of the decision making finally kicked in. But, I pulled through, even throughout everything I pulled through, and yes I'm grateful that after sticking in, I did meet wonderful people whom I guess are the ones who really light up my otherwise tiresome, neverending journey. Till now, I told myself if that's what my parents want, it's okay, but when my mum the other day told me that 'oh, you should have just gone to IMU, skip the whole screwed up bond, and the mere allowance that wont cover', I really felt like just jumping off the building because that, that was when I was pushed to look back and wonder if my initial decision was right?!?!?! Have I chosen to put myself through this hardship? If this wasn't what she intended, why did she urge me to take it? If this was what she intended, why now?! I AM already feeling sorry for myself sometimes.
The second scenario is pretty much the same, after my surgery - so many many many surgeries to follow, so many complications, when? when is it ever going to end? What if I never went for the surgery? Yeah I know the long-term complications would have been worse...still?! Urgh! Life...I will never figure it out, will I?

Merry Christmas?

Hm...celebrated christmas eve yesterday, was a pretty decent, mature and nice celebration, pretty quiet though...I guess it just dawned upon me that everyone has grown up, we hardly do the non-sober nonsense, and yesterday for once, it was really more like an adult-gathering where there was the prim, proper polite talking going on and just simple. No, don't get me wrong, I enjoyed it, actually a whole lot, but it just seems well I don't know. It didn't end too well, I had a BAD BAD headache and was nauseous, so had to leave early and ran outta my friend's apartment, puking all the way home, yes literally puking all the way home and nope, no nicer way of putting it because that was as least horrendous as it sounds. Anyways, as I've said, that was one part of it, but above it all, I was overwhelmed with mixed emotions yesterday, mixed mixed emotions, part of me was worrying about exams in Jan and really really want it to be over with and dreaming of the holiday that ensues after that, which is what happens before every exam...dreaming about it to be over, but this time, along with that, part of me really really don't want all these to end, I don't want to even think about the time after exams because that would mean a new phase of my life is going to begin and I'm stepping out of this zone I've built for myself for the past 2 years. Well, mostly, I'll be parting with the people here and above it all, Cecil, and also there's a whole new challenge out there when I get back, new people, new circumstances, new ...god new everything! Are humans just not adaptive to changes? It's exciting cause I'll be home and meeting my good old friends who are dearest and closest to me at heart but it's really saddening as well to think of what I'll be leaving behind here. I wanna work the relationship out, I want my studies and everything to go well, I want everything...but can I have them all? They always say, just give your best, put in your effort and at the end of the day, as long as you can look back and say "Well, I've given my best" then there should be no regrets. But is it all that easy? I will try for sure, but as much as I try living the present, I just cant help wondering about the future...what it beholds for me...life...and all it's about...Perhaps it's part of growing up...or growing old...

One of those days

Have you ever felt those days where hm...you just feel defeated in every way, okay almost like you are a loser. It's like you and someone else happen to get involved in the same thing but somehow you just never get it right, everything goes wrong. Sigh, I really really hope I do know what's wrong, and most importantly how to improve. I did my research in the summer to gain the experience and yes yes i MUST admit I did learn a WHOLE lot but, still, i was looking into opening many doors from the research itself, like doing a poster presentation, writing to the Student Medical Journal and well the thesis, but thus far, it doesn't seem like it's been going or working well at all. I wish I had more time to dedicate but I really don't know how other people do it, I have my exams to study for, so many many things to cope with. One fine thing tho that I really have to learn is to be bold enough AND also to stop worrying about other people and of course my own issues so much, worrying is not gonna get me anywhere and it's so not gonna help. I really really have to learn how to concentrate on the present and do what I have to deal with now, and give it all my best. I really really must learn that, it's a slow, painful process which well I guess they call it the Growing Pains? Sucks huh? Still, I'm hoping for a better tomorrow...